Once Upon A Construction Permit

Hidden away in the far off land of Culver City lies an enchanted neighborhood on Dunn Drive.

Hobbit House & Story Time Village Residence

Built by a Disney Artist in the 40s, the Hobbit house and adjacent cottages are available to be gawked at by the public. Though folks and woodland creatures live in the residences (assuming rent is paid in gold spun from straw) visitors cannot venture inside. However you can still bother them by taking pictures in front of their property. They encourage it!

Some say on nights that harbor full moons, if one walks by the hobbit house and says aloud Rumpelstillskin three times while spinning backwards three things can occur. If this is your first offence, you’ll be turned into one of the many human statues that are located in downtown Culver City.

Family turned to Statues as a result of ticking off fairy tale estate.

On your second offence (granted you escaped becoming a statue) one of the child stars from the Disney Channel will steal your soul for fuel. (most likely those kids who live in a hotel/cruise ship, I don’t know how that works).

Then lastly on a third offence (many don’t make it this far) the authorities are called and you are taken to jail, cause hobbits don’t f*#& around when they are being messed with at their humble homes

* Note: The exploitive is censored as the word Disney will be placed as a tag for this article and I don’t need angry letters from the studio or parents. I already received enough of those when I worked at Disneyland and had to resign. Ah, memories.

Discovery in Baker

New Side Effect of Global Warming in Baker

Skeptics of Global Warming have been using this year’s heavy winter storms to support the argument that climate change is not currently affecting the planet. However a phenomenon developing in pockets of the world are changing the way both politicians and the scientist are viewing the issue.

A strange occurrence of what experts (men in white coats) are calling “No Temperature” is baffling the scientific community. In the March article of Weatherific: Scientific Americana, “No Temperature” is described as an event where no temperature (like the name of the weather classification) occurs and no Fahrenheit readings can be made (as for Celsius, well it was an American study, so they didn’t bother to check or convert).

The discovery was made in the township of Baker, California. The phenomenon was easily noticeable in Baker as it is home to the world’s largest thermometer, convenient. A climatologist grad student heading home from Las Vegas was first on the scene. “ Yeah, I stopped to get gas and I looked up to see what the temperature was and… there was nothing displayed. (pictured left) It freaked me out. I started thinking, I don’t feel hot or cold. I called the authorities”

Though being slightly hung-over, the youth was correct, according to the 134-foot tall structure, there was no temperature in Mojave Desert, which can be considered somewhat odd.

San Bernardino County officials advised residents to put both central air and heating on in their homes as to combat the either extreme heat and/or freezing conditions. An unofficial statement was made by the county clerk: “We have applied for federal and state emergency resources just in case this escalates to an emergency, we can’t predict at this time that we will either need or get the aid. I just hope we caught this early enough.”

Baker is not the only instance. Reports are coming in from all over the globe of strange weather related events. Here is some home video footage from the Ukraine.

Footage from the Ukraine

Skeptics are stating that the video evidence is a ploy by Hollywood to impose “their agenda” and that the incident in Baker was merely a “power outage” that turned off the world famous landmark. Though there might be some truth behind these allegations, one thing is clear... and I don’t know what that is.

UFO Crashes Into Electronics Store

UFO Crashes Into Electronics Store, Story Revealed

February 12, 1998 Burbank, CA

Last night at around 1:35am, Bob Hope Airport Air Traffic Control reported an unidentified object closing on the airport. “Too big to be a weather balloon and traveling too fast to be any on time arrival of any American Airlines flight.” – Bob Salley, air traffic controller. It seemed to come in for an emergency landing at the airport, flashing it lights, turn signals, and windshield wipers to get the ground’s attention. The craft seemed to lose power mid descent and flew right into a Fry’s Electronics store adjacent to the airport. Structural damage occurred on the front of the building, luckily the store’s sign was undamaged.

“We heard this huge commotion happening in front, all the power went out immediately, then we heard strange noises” – Travis Davis, Night Manager. Little green men started hop out of the craft, stumbled around, and began scavenging for parts, probably to repair the vessel. “They started to take computer parts, stereos, TVs, everything, and I wasn’t gonna be blamed for this mess.” Mr. Davis and the three teenage minimum-wage employees began to fight back. Armed with printer cables, VHS tapes, and external hard drives, an all out intergalactic brawl broke out. The aliens, unarmed and unaccustomed to hostility took whatever they could carry, mostly music and stereo equipment, and fled the scene. Travis Davis and the rest of his team were victorious. “I told them, ‘Alright boys let’s get to work” The humans began to clean up and explore what was now, their flying saucer.

Later that day, the store attracted their biggest amount of customers in the company’s history. They accomplished this not only with their ingenious “Alien Themed” store but revealing new technology that seemed futuristic, almost out of this world. Things called mp3 players, digital camcorders, and for some reason ugg boots were being purchased like hot cakes.

With the huge success of the Burbank store, the franchised decided to theme all their stores to attract nerds, I mean customers. The Pac Man theme in Sunnyvale, Vampire/Werewolf Zoo in Dallas, and the ever popular Dudgeons and Dragons themed store in Fountain Valley were huge successes.

What ever happened to those aliens? They now own a tiling business in Ventura and formed the popular underground hip hop group “DJ Positronic and the Cosmic Crew”.

Budget Crisis Turns Secret City Defense Plane into Real Monument

Burbank, CA

Budget cuts are becoming all the rage as Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch once were. The next government program to be cut is America’s “War on Terror”. The war against evil started a massive budget surplus; officials were just to giving money away. U.S. cities began to receive funding for a unique program code-named: “Backyard Defense”. Devised by the Department of Defense to balance out the responsibility and blame should an attack on U.S. soil occur; cities, towns, and villages were given defense funding. One such township was Burbank, California.

Burbank being the stepchild of Hollywood, houses many of the entertainment industry’s studios and necessary catering company’s. Along with containing sights like the oldest Bob’s Big Boy in America, an attack on this modern day Rome would cripple America. The city thus put in place a secret defense plan: disguising a local monument to a Jetfighter to entrust their safety.

Located in the heart of Burbank, it was the perfect cover to thwart any attack. Across the street from a convalescent home, hidden between trees that make a thirty-foot blue and white jet less noticeable, the F104 Starfighter was displayed on Olive Avenue. Always on the ready, “the Spirit of Burbank” was perched in launch position, 7 days a week, 24 hours, 360 days a year (closed on federal holidays) ready for action.

Three times a day a crew, posing as boy scouts and bird watchers would refuel and service the mighty craft, as having the ship elevated this way put a massive toll on the mechanics of the vehicle.

Because of the heightened security levels (a shade of orange or red alert), two pilots were placed on stand by all hours of the day, sometimes in the evening if there was not a cross-town sports rivalry game going on between high schools. The pilots were placed in the cockpit, order not to move or talk (which is the only successful way of portraying mannequins)

Unfortunately no attack had occurred. The threat seemed like it was there, but so far away that well, someone else can handle it. So like the cutting of NASA's budget, the funding for “Backyard Defense” was dissolved. It took eight months to dismantle the jet to look like a real monument. Some say if you look close enough, you can still see the brave pilots waiting to jet off defend us from terror. Others say they are just mannequins.

For more information about “Backyard Defense” or “Mannequins” check out the neat books at your local library.